Normally I would call him "dog" but not now, not anymore.
Okay..
Weilun, I know you're not here with us anymore, you've been sent to a peaceful and quiet place, no troubles no stress. Maybe because of your unexpected disappearance, I sometimes somehow forgot that you (my elg) is gone.. At times when I feel really upset or disappointed or angry, I wouldn't know who to turn to, I wouldn't know where and what should I go/do. Pathetic...Sigh, I have so much to say, but my mind tends to go blank all the time. I think you know how much I miss you right? The one and only thing that I can do is "sigh" "sigh" and still "sigh" or the least I can do, is just to cry...
I really want to know what exactly happened to you. Why ain't there any cameras? And why you're the 8th that passed away in that particular pool yet nobody investigates at all? I'm trying to find all the words I can, to tell you how I feel, but some just doesn't comes out right..
Everytime I talk to you, everyone thought I'am or I went crazy. What do you think? Hai... How good if you're still here.. You're always there for me, 24/7 yet I took your existence for granted. I didn't know the importance of you till 28th Oct 2013, the day you left without leaving a single word. I know you must've been struggling with yourself in the hospital waiting for me waiting for your parents, I know you're actually very filial. I know you have dreams that you've yet reached. Your goals & aims.. I too, thought it was so unfair to you & to all of us, you're just 23 this year, you haven't enter another stage of life of being a husband or a father right? I too, know you love kids alot when I see you post pictures of you & Nara..
Elg, I have a whole lot to share with you, how good if you were still here to listen to me kpkb, and start all the inside jokes, the way you talk never fail to bring laughters to all of your friends including me. The only regret I carry now, is that I actually blame myself for not going to the hospital that night before you passed away. I was supposed to, and I said I would. I didn't get shaun's message CLEARLY, until these few days when I re-read those old conversations. He stated UNSTABLE, I see it as STABLE. That's the reason why I decided to wait till the next day to visit you @ the hospital, who knows you gave up halfway through. You are definitely waiting for me! I KNOW OKAY! :'(
Why didn't I gave you a single chance to prove your sincerity in wanting to take good care of me, why didn't I cherished the time with you and everyone of us foursome, when you're still around... Useless I know, it's already useless typing here, saying all these nonsense and bullshit. Now I totally comprehend the whole meaning of "Human tend to learn how to cherish only when they lost something they love so much" I love you alot weilun, as a best friend. You've been really gr8 and awesome. I'am so lost now, in words and everything. It's just work that occupies me now. I haven't been having a good big cry for a long time already. It's always tearing tearing & tearing cos I have to swallow every single sorrow back whenever my close ones ask me to.. But I don't care, This have been bottling inside me for too long, I'm bursting even now sitting in the office typing every single word I MEANT.
你走的太突然。我还无法完完全全接受这个残忍的事实。 虽然自己心里有数，知道你不可能再回来。虽然自己知道没人会天天喊我二老婆，虽然知道不可以再一直叫你小狗，虽然知道我永远再也见不到你 ：‘（ 但是还是很想看看你到底好不好？我也还一样，每天还是笑着面对家人朋友。但笑久了，会累，会疲倦，会受不了。。会崩溃。。我的烦恼不必说你一猜就知道的。。。嗨 你在哪里？你到底在哪里？你知道吗，现在不管我怎样吃都好，我的体重一直在下。根本就没有增加。我真的没有胃口。我不想睡觉。但是不睡，心就觉得很沉重。。我是人，我也会累，睡当然累了自然会睡。但是现在被逼着，看着，的日子真的不好过。。我很不开心，也不能随时有人陪我去喝酒讲心事。。我不想继续试了很累我真的很累不止因为你， 其他的你都懂。。。教教我到底怎么办？虽然一个烦恼已经结决了但是其他的怎么办而且你走了过后也还有几个。老天到底要逼我逼到什么时候？！？！？！！
HAIS!
From Velllesissy..是她陪着我, 从明慧受伤到现在。
That should be all, I haven't had anything in mind yet.
Hi dear. I don't know you and you don't know me, but I saw your blog by chance and have been a silent reader since.
ReplyDeleteI just want to drop you a note of encouragement, because I've been where you were before mentally. It took me so long to find that strength to walk out that door, or to leave the house for that matter. I also cut off all contact with many of my close friends during that dark period. It was difficult to find someone to talk to, because everyone was too concerned about my well-being and it was difficult to find someone who understands what I'm going through. All I wanted was to be alone. I needed time to grieve and time to piece myself back together. So I understand your feelings and emotions. The side effects of losing weight and being really depressed comes with it... though it's difficult to always face everyones concern. They mean well, but it just gets so hard sometimes...
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's passing. My deepest condolences for you and his loved ones. When I read the news I was really shocked. I know I'm no psychiatrist, but here's the thing: grief doesn't go away. Losing someone you love doesn't take a few days, or even months for that matter to go away. It is something you deal with every single day, even for those tiny happy moments you get to enjoy. But, it's also important to remember that grief can be managed. It's not something that should weigh us down. I know it sounds patronising to say "I'm sure he wouldn't want to see you so unhappy and upset" but I truly believe so. And I know you know it, because your relationship with him, if it's like anything you described, is special and unique. So I won't comment further, except to tell you that the loss you suffer doesn't need any justification. You CAN take all the time you need to deal with the loss of your best friend. And it's fine to deal with the grief your own way... it's different for everyone: ice cream, crying, blogging, fighting, denial... there's no one way, so long as it is reasonable and not harmful to yourself in any way.
Ok, this is becoming an essay, but I just want you to know that the negative feelings, that quiet silence threatening to choke you in the middle of the night is something I have experienced as well. Mending the pieces gets harder and harder with every piece of shit life throws us with. But it's still worth living, still worth going through, and worth that bit of hard work. I found life meaningless for a long time and lost my motivation to get up and do something about it, but I've slowly come to realise that I need to step up and find that meaning; that the meaning and motivation driving me to live may be difficult to find but nevertheless, important. So I hope you don't feel too alone, or "attacked" when others make snap judgement on your mental state. You are a very strong girl dealing with a series of bad & unfortunate problems. And I think you are beautiful for standing strong even when you have every right to break down. And even if you did, I think it's perfectly human to crumble under such pressure and grief.
All I want to do is give you a hug and tell you you will be fine. That all this shall pass. And your small steps will eventually amount to a big step forward. So no matter how small they are, in a month they will look much bigger than if you have taken none at all. I'm really sorry to know what you've gone through for the past few months, and I don't know how you'll take this little "comment", but I do hope you won't feel like your privacy is intruded or anything. Like I said, I am a complete stranger so I do hope you won't take this the wrong way... I'm in no way lecturing you. Just want you to stay strong and walk out of this dark period because I've been there before... take care, dear. You've been one hell of a strong girl.
Thank you so much dear, you've exactly described all the miseries inside, it's just like I have no idea of what should I do and I can't accept the fact that he is gone, even tho' I am aware that in reality he's really gone. I need time, yes, but as you know I've been grieving for the previous 7 years r/s matter until recently my best friend passed on.. He was the one who took the pain away and intro-ed me into this company. I'am/was so grateful but I no longer have any chance to thank him anymore. Sigh.
DeleteThank you, it's really a relieve after reading your comment. Knowing someone have actually been through what I am going through now, and still kicking, alive, showing concern, means I can do it too. It's just a matter of time right? So how long did it takes for you to be back to self? :(
Hey dear... you're welcome :) I just couldn't help feeling upset after reading what other people were saying to you so I needed to leave a comment!
DeleteYes... it took me quite awhile, I would say at least half a year before I really moved on? I was dealing with my own personal issues and a break-up that led to other problems in my life.. I would say, the lowest point in my life. However, someone like your friend's passing is on a larger scale, what more your best friend. He seemed like a really great guy who only wanted the best of you and for you to be happy again, so please don't forget what he wanted for you and make sure you live the life he hoped to give you, ok?
And also... I never returned back to my old self. My perspective and attitude towards life changed. Some things can never be the same again, but I embraced that. I chose to be more adventurous when it came to new experiences. I'm no longer timid when it comes to confronting people. I took charge of my life and made several tough decisions, but I guess this is what they called "growing up" - because the past cannot be changed but the future is in our hands. Stay positive and stay strong, you have your whole life ahead of you. Take care dear, all the best! And if you need someone to talk to, I can always leave comments for you! <3