1st D.A

Lying on my bed, it's been a long long long time since I last slept alone. Everytime I blog her using my phone I'll automatically doze off one. Don't know smtj.


Sigh..........

Okay my lappy is failing me real badly like anytime can ki chia. Idk why, I'm tired but I keep thinking about you, the days we spent together. When you play with my hair you're drunk over and over again even tho I never fail to scream at the loudest pitch of my lungs. I want you to call me again in the middle of the night out of the blue just to say you want to listen to my voice.
Most importantly I want to hear you nag! Nag at me everyday telling me how important it is to stand up & prove that I can live better myself than being with any other people who doesn't know how to cherish me.. I am still keeping your messages & will always be. Part of the message as to tell me "我只要你开心" even after umpteen times of rejects from me.. I really meant no harm at all.. I really miss having you here... When you niam about the haze, when you told me not to rush or risk certain problems.. You indeed taught me quite a lot. I miss you saying anqi give me chance lah. 10percent also can, continued with "huh......... 0.1 so dont have ah? (you'll then insert a :( face) but bold & loudly says, it doesn't matter at all. I will prove to you, give me 1 year." WHERE WERE THOSE?!

The black and whites that wrecked everything. The clothes you wear, the place you slept for that few days, and many many more. Sometimes I would still treat you like you farkin existed... When nonody's around in my room, I would talk to you & I hope/know you hear me. Right? ELG........... Take me
With you, I'm having too much probs, all kept in the depth of my heart when my current girlfriend knows SOME of them, the rest I'd rather hide it properly inside no matter how much it hurts. If only uou'll still here, yea..... If only . . . .




Our last goodbye elg!! I really can't bear to. But I felt damn remorseful after reflecting agn and agn. All the maybes just came into my mind. Maybe if I rushed to the hosp, I can still fufil or help you with your stuffs that's left undone! Maybe if earlier on I accepted you forcefully, you wouldn't even had the chance to go for a swim at night (cse im a strict girlfriend) Maybe this maybe that. Maybe you won't even be dead. Maybe till limbei went mad! Sigh. It's time to work. You'll guide me even when you're on the other side right? You'll shine your lights and brave through all the storms with me right? Yes I know you will! 最steady的就是你嘛........ But what the fck is wrong now?! You gave up?! SIGH.




Thank you so so much, for every cent you fork, for every laughters you brought, for every smiles you put across my face, for every little kind of patience when I had moodswings & flare & throw tantrums and no matter the lousiest attitude, you'd still bear with it. Even tho you're really fucking annoying when you're drunk shouting out my name with the ELP behind scared people don't know ah! ;'( NOW MY FRIENDS DON'T KNOW, YOU SHOUT LA!!!!!!!!




HAI

你, .........等不到了吧

你,                           .........等不到了吧

Hi Elg,

Wow, seems like it's been a very long time I've seen your silly dog face.. To be frank, I never had the strength of courage to face the reality, the fact that you, are already gone. A lot has happened since we last talked, needless to say, you're part of what happened...  I hope that you've been hearing me everyday when I talk to you before I leave for work and everytime before I sleep.. Your 1st death anniversary just passed, I can't imagine what would it be like, if you're still here.. Most likely, more neat and fat cos you'll bug me to trim your dog fur, and you'll eat & eat & eat. Hah hah  Nothing can fill this hole that I've carried in my heart since the day you went away.. When all the time it feels like just yesterday that we just drank, feeling the pain all over again.. Starting to get better to deal with now I guess somewhat normal to feel like this.. It's been a month and it seems like just 1 hr ago. The pain is there.. May be in the back sometimes but its always there. Everything is to the very extreme point, It's your unfortunate first month, and again, I want to let you know, I still wanna see your face, smack you, call you doggie, rant and cry at you.. Everything still look the same as it did except the air & leaves & atmpsphere & my phone, but your favourite chilling spot and also the most boring spot, oceanz have regenerated. A new generation, Lol.. Okay it feels so surreal now typing to you while my eyes are almost filled.. I just wish that there was something we could have done to fix it or make things a lil different sometimes I felt like it was my fault that I did not make it to see you & you gave up your last breath... I wish you were here again, and then all my troubles/problems won't be such a pain in the very depth of my heart hidden, feeling so tight.. I wish you were here again to make me laugh & bring me out to drink, I wish you were here drunk, calling & shouting out my name. But never possible again... Till we meet again, on your birthday.. You've been 1 of the gr8test friend of mine, but I've got no farkin' chance to even let it out to you at all. I'm grateful for the days you've been there for me, to wipe my tears, to try your fucking best chasing the sadness away not by badmouthing the people whom caused me to be, but explaining & advising in some other positive ways. I'm sure you're aware of how I'am doing now & you're sure happy.. But best friend, I never will be...

So much misses,
Elp. (The Elp you always shout)
Bui Qi. (The fat qi you always call)

You're remembered, with loves.

Always and forever...

Just alone.

I tell people I'm tired, but in fact,

I'm sad.

I tell people I'll be fine tomorrow.

But I know tomorrow will be worse..

I tell lies everyday and I know

I'll not be able to stop it myself.

It is getting bad, again.

It's always when I spend time alone, that I try to find back my

old self, and then this soft whisper would slowly 

invade the positive thoughts,

influenced.

My mind then starts wondering, 

Why must all the misfortunes look up for me?

Didn't they know I'm feeling really sick of all these shits?

2013, enough. Stop torturing!

I miss dad & mom so much 

even tho I don't show or say a single thing.

but thats also one reason why i'm away from them, to calm,

to give myself peace, to slowly recover from this sad

misery.. They are worried sick I know,

but just some more space till

I'm free, I'll be there

twice as 

filial as

I can 

be.

Thank you mom, but I really don't wanna waste money on bags anymore.

We had enough tooo.

You used to be my morning coffee, storing scorching but necessary..

 It's 9:40am in the morning and the reason why I'm here blogging -> Youngersis woke me from my 1-2 hrs of sleep. I was supposed to leave her make up remover in the living room but dozed off on bed while editing pictures.. Lucky enough to have heard her trying to make some noise by turning my door knob afew times..

Well, Friday was boring @ work. I had so much tidbits in the office & also, ordered KFC for my lunch. Managed to get my manager and colleagues to share the food as well :) Louis came to fetch me as initially we're meeting up for steamboat but the very indecisive me, chose to touch up my hair roots with aunt. Neither Ah mei nor Michelle were there so I allowed Yiwa to do the job. Sad to say, she's unaware of my expectations.. Big sigh!

Still packing ~ and some finishing, kitty just keep on keep on top only.

But I saw you disappear like the smoke I exhaled fromm my cigarette.

Now all I'm left with is a bitter aftertaste scalding the excuses

that you once kissed on my chaffing lips.

And as much as

I needed another hit,

I let you leave because

I want someone who knows how to stay.

 Nice dress? Kitty gave it to me, just in case it's unclear, it's tiger printed. Alright, so what's for today? She went to work & to school, then came back with sushis and my favourite each a cup.
Chose to eat home-cooked food before the sushis who knows right after my meal, Animal called & so, we met up @ Yewtee Hk cafe for early suppp. Sad to say, I was too hungry I forgot to take pictures...

Here comes the camwhore smiling to the camera when 

deep in her heart is a bruised one..

KitEd.

Whoooooops! I did something to velle when she was sleeping.

Muahahhaa.

Backdated.

Thought I'm found yet I'm wrong, still lost.

Soon please be.

Yea....

I'm not okay.. My chest feels this strange kind of feeling like I swallowed shards

of glass that cut me each time I breathe. Maybe sometimes suffering is just suffering, it will not make you strong yet makes you sink even deeper, fall from higher.. 

Look I'm having this syndrome of a Pistanthrophobia.

fear of trusting people due to past experiences

with relationships gone bad...

I find it harder and harder to trust someone I let into my life when it was in its crazily-messed-up state. I can't deny that person did solve 1 of the toughest problem I'm facing and I am ultimately grateful, much much more thankful than anyone could' have been. But that doesn't mean you can share my secrets around be it they're my family members or friends. Once

you lost my trust, you're fucked/ I hate why can't

a secret stays a secret, it have to be 

revealed like ALWAYS;

----

People, I have discovered, are layers and layers of secrets. 

You believe you know them , that you understand them, 

their motives are always hidden behind from you, buried in their own hearts.

\You will never know them , but sometimes you choose to trust them.

What did you do to even deserve this?

I find it hard to trust anyone now. Any single soul except myself, I used to trust my best friend whole heartedly, buy he left without saving his last breath for the last word for me :'( This is the 4th Friday without him, I'm not thanking god it's friday anymore... It seems like whenever weekends arrived, it feels like I'm living in my world, my own little black and white world, I feel so tired mentally, and physically I can feel this aching soul is dying to sleep & never wake... I miss those sweet short honeycoated words he'd quickly mumble to me, and then stutter when I ask him (i did it on purpose just to disturb him muahahha) Sigh, everything's stucked inside once again, I can't find the words to describe how I feel. It just feels like you have 10 problems to settle, you clearly know all, but can only let 4 out. The other 6, would've been easier if he were to be around. I TRUSTED HIM WITH MY LIFE. SERIOUSLY I FUCKING HATE HIM FOR LEAVING.....

He was a very nice guy, before.. He'll nag at me every friday if  I were to stay home. He would then drag me out, then he would promise me to send me back home by 3am before he was drunk, and then afterwards please & beg asking me to stay abit longer & we'll end up going home later than what I'm supposed to.. He would put his arms around my shoulder when he's drunk, and I would shout at the top of my voice, and then followed by " walau ! we're best friends what, best friends tired cannot rest on best friend's shoulder meh? " Weilun, you can...... You can! I'am so sorry even the slightest thing was so difficult for me..... I know you understand back then though.. SIGH. He'll call at the most unexpected time, and then complain that his body aching, he will call just to say he wants to listen to my voice, he calls just to see if I'm feeling alright. All these lil sweet gesture actually adds up to alot. My dear friend, when are we gonna meet again? :(

Each time I play this slideshow...........
I ended up crying to myself..
Nobody knows how I feel.
Bcos they don't know,
how great
how good
how caring
how funny
how irritating
how annoying
how sweet tho I didn't even bothered to think it was, in the past,
how thoughtful
how much I miss you.......................................................................

http://slide.ly/view/8d9cfa99f17aead026ec419e4ec8b5b8?utm_source=Gp_ORG_Share